There are a million things I haven’t done

Maybe soon I’ll get to cross off one

Becoming an inspiration, falling in love,

Saving the whole damn world

From some apocalypse

I feel so much like Alex the way I’ve been writing non-stop

But Hamilton died too young, not even half a century old

It’s funny, you know

I was explaining to a friend 

That complicated relationship and

The entire time I was wondering

Why I didn’t end it before it began and how

I let it turn into what it did

It’s so crazy to be hungry

It really isn’t a great feeling

Food & friends right there but

Your stomach remains empty

Like your heart - it’s empty yet heavy

Love does not exist in the way that we write it

Nor does death, ever-lurking and ever-present

Some days I feel lighter than a feather,

My thoughts floating in and around my headspace

Other days I’m more down,

A dark plane plowing through cotton

You have to be positive because

The only rainbows I know how to see are the

Flags waving clearly out in the streets

The only unicorns I know are the ones that I

Run away from in almost every one of the dreams that I dream

Now you're revealing to me all of these

Demons you've been dealing with and

All of the time you spent and shit you said

To other girls, your parents, the world

I don't know what to make of it

I'm feelin' tricked, you got me trippin'

Where are the gods everybody else believes in?

Where are the stars, why can I not see them?

Where did you put that purple jade passion?

This is an endless cycle of elaborately made egregious ends

Don't worry about the digits on my hand, no one would ever give me their number

It's like the writing on the rest of my body;

It's just more inspiration, really

What if everything counts for nothing

The careful excuses and careless lying

Through my now close to perfect teeth;

Your suspicions of me

I want to tell you everything that you’ve done wrong

Tell you that instead of turning me on, you keep turning me off

There are a million things I haven’t done

Maybe soon I’ll get to sail right off of the face of a map, like the one down in the den

Ironic, since I don’t like boats all that much

I have the potential to become the leader of my country, or a CEO of my very own organization

Who knows, maybe I’ll become anti-government someday

And stick it to the Man

I could doom the whole damn world, you know

I have moments where I’m more broken than the wings

Of the blackbird that sometimes won’t let me sleep

He keeps me awake and so do they

For I can’t help but wonder if it will happen again

Could I stop it from taking place?

It’s so crazy how it’s stayed with me

Yesterday I was a butterfly rising

With the water on our earth and

The ghastly flames dancing in the dirt

The flames I’m no longer actively shying away from

You don’t know the half of it

Don’t get to thinking that just because you’ve seen my tears

I trust you

I don’t even trust myself anymore

I’m fading, faster

And faster

Like my last few years as a teenager,

Like my time left in this country -

Only a few thousand more hours

I wasn’t lying to you - money is power, except for when it isn’t

When you read these words I could be long gone but

I have goals and dreams and I’m hoping my name

Will never be forgotten

People come in and out of this place wearing halos and hard hats

And crowns embedded with jewels

Darling, the ones like us

Find it tough to follow all the rules

You let me see your rawness,

Let me watch your salt trickle and your blood cascade

Similar to the words resting on this page how

My head was on your shoulder, earlier today

When we hid in the bathroom from the world and the humans in it

The world I’m so fed up with

That keeps on creating

Society and its countless expectations

Why will no one stop and listen

To the children wailing &

The adults screaming

Out for something to hold on to, something like a rescue tube

A couple of nights ago I was marooned in my room

I picked up a book but concentrated instead on the veins in my hands

The same color as the ink strategically spilt on my thigh

New lines of nonsense covering the old faded lines

That he once traced

I so wanted to witness you dancing

Under the stars I long to see

With your feet moving in time with the waves

Gone would your demons be

All time, frozen

You’d throw back your head and you would laugh

And laugh and laugh

Without a single care in the world

I wouldn’t know what to make of it

I’d be feeling euphoric & you’d have me wishin’

Where are the gods everybody else believes in?

Where is the truth, why am I not free yet?

Where did you hide that violet jade vision?

This is a beautiful cycle of brilliantly made breathtaking beginnings

Hearts keeping pace of rhythmic ebbing and flowing

It took her two months to form a short apology

I wonder if I’m capable of being more petty

You know I’ve lied to you, babe, I’m sorry

I just wanna run, is that wrong?

I want to get away from here,

From everything & everyone

Your bottom lip trembled and your fierce dark eyes

Searched the sky as I spoke

We were pilgrims every Wednesday and pirates on occasion

You were a lost girl kissing skeletons as I prayed not to the heavens but to the

C l o u d s

I want to walk upon them like in the movies

It’s unfortunate that I may never feel the wind beneath my own pair of wings

Trading words with you is becoming a dangerous need

Blackbirds sing but he didn’t bother to say goodbye

Usually when family leaves out those words, it means that they’ll be back

But I know it’s no promise because if it were then I keep on breaking them

With my friends, my chosen family

I'd do almost anything for them and that scares me

To think that I could go too far with you terrifies me to a point

Where I've become sort of

Paranoid

I'm a Saint Bernard cold in the snow,

My movements slowed

More so than the time that refuses to stand still

But I guess my stubborn ass can’t complain

Gravity, or the ground, and whatever lies beneath

Is shaking, cracking, unbalancing

Somehow reminding me of my lopsided heart of cream

In my coffee, a latte

Slow and steady wins the race

I need to re-stabilize

I’m working on it, I swear

I’m trying to patch up the past

Even though I cannot take back any of the sentences that were spoken or

The words that were poised or that of which my touch poisoned

I’m struggling to not slip, striving to get out of this zone before I can be knocked down

By another avalanche

There are a million things I haven’t done, like hearing the people that I claim to love

Listening, for me, is one great feat

Whether I'm yelling my favorite song

At the top of my fucking lungs

Or merely having a conversation with someone

It's near impossible to shut me up

Unless

You kiss me

I dare you to throw me feelings

Let's see if I'll catch any

If I do, I likely won’t willingly admit to it

I’ll treat it like a game of hot potato

I used to go dancing

In daydreams

I used to be in hiding too but

How can you hide from your own damn mind - it’s not worth the energy

And some oppositions just aren’t worth the fight

I’ve worn different collars and I’ve lost a few forever

I’ve blended in & stuck out and I will continue to experiment with colors

No one will ever hold my reins though they can try as they might to tame me

I’m feelin’ crazy, we should do something stupid

While we still can

Where are the gods everybody else believes in?

Where is the past, can I really not bring it back

To how it once was?

Where do you hold that thistle jade threat?

This is a bizarre cycle of intricately made echoing events

I’m choking on air and tripping up stairs

But go ahead and take away my last happiness

Step on my aquamarine, green, pink, and black lego houses

See if you can drive me to that lookout I haven’t seen in ages

Does perfect truly exist in a place like this

Would you get your knuckles bloody for me

Or from me

Would it be my fault

Like how I’m to blame for your self-medicating

Standing atop the wreckage of our history

Crushing the edelweiss that blankets the alpine

What if I was born into another body with a mind

That knew how to sleep; a mind that could be at peace

A mind that I myself could ease

What if I was a dolphin or a dragon or a firefly like

The ones we caught together in the backyard with

Blades of grass sticking to our skin

I’m bouncing between branches and I’m breaking bridges

My heart keeps skipping - I’m too exhilarated

You don’t want to be annihilated but darlin’ we’ve gone MAD